DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
