Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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