I am spending my child support on dildos
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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