I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
