I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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