Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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