Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
