so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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