My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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