No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
