I wish I could punch you in the face.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
