Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
