My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
