What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
