God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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