be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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