i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
