How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
