Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
