my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
