i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
