paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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