dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
