Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
