ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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