just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
