Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
