so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he fucked my hip out of place.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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