i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
