My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
