I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I want a musical about memes.
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