I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
