I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
