in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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