I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize