I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
