She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize