The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
