Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
