Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
