And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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