You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i came on her dog
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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