I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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