put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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