So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
