I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
