he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
