So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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