He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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