The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
