it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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