He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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