he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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