I faked an abortion last night.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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