I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
