I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize